@uwenna

A Light to Guide Me Through

*/ Sharing my first coffee date newsletter post, if it resonates with you, sign up for my coffee dates at uwenna.com/coffeedate /*

Sometimes I feel lost. Like the light within me is dimmed and I need someone to lend me their light. I used to be terrified of these moments. Sometimes, I still am. These moments of lost clarity. Moments of vulnerability and fear of the unknown. Sharing my vulnerability is something I’ve had trouble with over the years. I hold it within me, afraid to show others that there are times when I don’t feel strong. That there are times when I need a light to guide me through. 
It has taken me years to realize the need to cultivate rituals. Of needing routine and time alone to nurture the light within. 
Earlier this month I spent a week without these rituals, throwing myself into a new experience, a different lifestyle. Needless to say, I spent days after in an emotional limbo. 

I spent a week as a tourist in my own city, soaking up what NYC has to offer me. After days of much needed hibernation, it was clear to me that NYC isn’t my home. This culture, this chaotic lifestyle does not sustain me. More on that later…
So what are these rituals of mine? 
I’ll go over my morning rituals in this post and share other ones as time goes on.
*Daily Affirmation
Set an affirmation for the day. A positive thought that you want to share with the universe. One that I often think of: I choose to let go and surrender today. 

*Dry brushing
Your skin is the largest organ in your body. It’s responsible for 1/4th of your body’s detoxification each day. Brushing your skin helps your lymphatic system by improving circulation, de-clogging the junk our pores absorb. Result? Happy, clean, healthy skin! For more info: Brush with Health

*Meditation & Pranayama
Pranayama is breathing exercises that is incorporated during meditation. Silent mindfulness. mmm. 

*Movement or what I call Bed Yoga!
Biiig stretches. Loosen up your body. Kick your legs up against the wall. Do some light inversions. Happy baby. Childs pose. Ahhhh. 

*Breakfast Green Juice 
I like to start my day with a big jar of green juice. A light juice is the fastest to digest in the morning when your body is waking up. A quick, clean energy boost without the naughty caffeine crashes. (I still love my midday lattes… shhh!)
Now that I’ve given you a peek of my AM rituals… I’m curious, what are some of your rituals? 

“

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes to recognize its own.
There you can be sure you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.


You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up on all other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

”

– David Whyte

Coffee Date no. 01: Letting Go.

/* I want to introduce a new series of posts called Coffee Dates. Intimate thoughts that I would share with a friend, over a cup of coffee. */

—

Letting go has always been difficult for me. I think we (humans) tend to have the need to want to control, to micromanage every single decision we make. One of our basic needs is safety and a step in that direction is to control every situation so that our outcome is something we have envisioned, preplanned. Over the past few months, there has been so many instances where I’m constantly reminded to just. let. go. 

In one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s talks, she mentions how when you shift to a different lifestyle, you’ll need to shed friendships because not everyone will be supportive of the new path you’re embarking on. I never imagined I’d apply this to my life. I had a firm belief that all my friendships were solid.

A few months ago, I had a falling out with a close friend of mine. A girl I’ve known for the past 9 years.  I grew up as an only child, so I often saw her as the sister I never had. Over the years, I’ve leaned heavily on her for support. Navigating our teenage years and finding a firmer ground in our early twenties. We had our ups and our downs, like any close relationship has. 

Walking away from our relationship was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. At that time, I never envisioned a future that didn’t include her. I never thought I would have to make that decision. I was heading toward a lifestyle that wasn’t aligned with hers and she voiced her displeasure with my choices.

I often think about her and am curious about how she is doing, if she’s happy, if she’s where she wants to be. I miss her. I miss the friendship we had. But what we had, was once upon a time.

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions about the people we keep in our lives. We have to open the door for people to leave and to let others in.

So I leave you with this mantra:

Let go of anything that doesn’t serve you. Let go of anything that doesn’t sustain you. 

Starting Fresh. Feeling Raw.

This morning, I decided to delete 5 years of tumblr posts. Manually. All 1,946 posts. (Tumblr doesn’t have a delete all feature.) Going in, I didn’t realize it would be a task that left me emotionally raw.

There is so much history here. Scrolling through these posts brought up memories that were temporarily forgotten. Emotions attached to the moments I posted. There is so much of me, poured into this little space. Photos from when I first moved to SF, quotes that spoke deeply to me, little things that inspired me. Keepsakes. My Tumblr has essentially been my box of memories. In my blog description from the beginning I wrote:

“I like to collect things. To find little treasures and to store it away. A box of memories to remember in the future where I can go back and take a peek at my past. I crave the unexpected, the finer details of life, the beauty in the world that is unbeknownst to us. This is a collection, a shadow box filled with the randomness that fascinates me.”

And I just wiped it clean.

I feel so raw. In a way, so empty. It feels like I just broke up a relationship. That vast empty feeling. Fear, excitement of what’s ahead. It’s these decisions, that are needed. That you know is the right step to take, like letting go of someone you loved. Starting fresh. Closing a door. Allowing another door to open. 

Here we go.